Things That Scare Me

It’s been a year and a half since The Man’s heart attack. I’ve almost forgotten the fear and worry and feeling of loss I had while he was in the hospital and I was here alone trying to make life seem normal for our little girl. Almost. I will never forget that hideous shade of grey on his face. I will never forget him being so quiet and unmoving. After they “stabilized” him he wasn’t himself. He wasn’t making jokes or being funny or even telling me not to worry. I hugged him and said “I’m scared.” He said, “Me too.” Continue reading

The Big Scary Tomato

I grew up in Northwestern Pennsylvania. Up there a “major weather event” is usually snow related. We’ve experienced the odd earthquake and heard of a tornado or flood or two. But…while weather like that can be serious, and breaks my heart when I see the damage afterwards (usually on television) I think I thought of it as “part of life” and the planet we live on does these things and we’ve been here a while, we’re survivors, we’ve adapted to fit our environment or…whatever. It just is…but it was never us. Everything was always happening to someone else. Another state, another city, another school.   Continue reading

Gramma

I lost my Gramma almost 11 years ago. She passed away suddenly on May 10, 2003, in a hospital while being treated for cancer. She died after having come to some kind of terms with facing cancer, the thought of losing her hair, the thought of getting sicker before she got better…and the thought that she may just not get better anyway. It seems almost cruel to put someone through all that and then whisk her away. Continue reading

Life Has A Way…

I had a few ideas of what to write about and just now got some time to sit down and write, however….

Well, let me back up a bit. As a woman and mom there are times I wonder what kind of person I am. Am I nice enough? Compassionate? A good role model for my children? An inspiration to my Significant Other and others around me? What would I do in a physical crisis? Would I respond appropriately in an emotional crisis? Continue reading

You Found Me, HOW?

A few of my friends with blogs have been discussing the search terms used by people to get to their blogs. What this means is that when someone sits down and types these things into Google or Bing, Google or Bing will bring them to your blog. So, one would expect for mine “Respectfully Disrespectful” or “Elisa Ashley” would get you here…they do. But so do these: Continue reading

Attitude of Gratitude

‘Tis the season and all that, so I’m starting my 30 days of Gratitude early.

Because I am.

Grateful.

Things may not always go the way I hope they will and they definitely don’t usually go the way I plan them to, but in the end everything seems to work out all right. Last year was a better one for us than most…right up until November when Matt had a heart attack. It’s been an interesting ride since then, that’s for sure.

Grateful: HE’S STILL HERE.

Grateful: He’s able to do most of the things he could do before the heart attack.

Grateful: He’s back in school working on his degree.

We’re struggling financially right now, but that is due to a fluke in his financial aid, and we should be back on track in January when the Spring semester begins.

Grateful!

We’ve had to lean on our church who was generous enough to step in and pay our water bill and get our water turned back on (that was a very long week!!)

Grateful!

A month after getting water we had to ask them for help with our rent and they stepped right in and took care of that so we wouldn’t be evicted.

Grateful!

Our truck was about to explode…literally. We couldn’t keep water or coolant in it and you could see it run right through. His teachers stepped in and got our truck fixed so we wouldn’t lose our transportation and Matt wouldn’t have to stop going to classes.

Grateful!

And, we’ve discovered not every human being is…well, you know. We have restored faith in humanity.

Grateful!

And, we are being exposed to more professional and personal opportunities to grow through his college and his involvement with the Student Government Association.

Grateful!

And, because we’ve discovered what our church is doing to help others we have to opportunity to be on the front lines to help other people which is lending faith, grace and humility to our souls.

Grateful!

And, when all this started one of my internet friends whom I’ve never actually met and who is living day-to-day, paycheck-to-paycheck like the rest of us sent us money which helped us meet our rent a few months ago. Out of the blue. Because she could.

Grateful!

While we’re still a bit stressed at times, I am surprisingly calmer about a lot of things because I know we walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death. We don’t take up camp halfway in, and we aren’t expected to visit and take pictures and send postcards home….we walk through….to get to the other side.

For the chance to keep walking with the man I love by my side and our sweet little tornado trailing behind us….

I am so very, very grateful.

We got this.

2am Insomniac Musings

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It’s 2 am. Why am I awake?

I seem to be asking myself this a lot lately. I have fibromyalgia. I have severe flare ups when the weather changes in Spring and Autumn and the past month has been hell. Almost literally.

As you know, I have a bouncy, energetic, very snuggly four-year-old and lately I have to remind her not to touch me. Or climb on me. Or try to sit on me. Or keep her elbows away from me. This is hard on both of us. She’s just being herself and I’m just being a crotchety old fart who is practicing for the NO FUN award. :/

The good news is, well, I can’t be sure of this, but the good news is that it should be going away as soon as the weather makes up its mind to either be warm or cold. This back and forth stuff is nuts. The longer the atmosphere twirls and spins the longer I suffer.

That’s a horrible word and I don’t like it. I know there are other people who have it worse than I do. Probably MOST people. I’m not whining…I guess I’m just admitting out loud I have limitations. And reminding those of you who love me that “Hey, I have limitations!”  LOL

Right now (and during other flare ups) I am tired all the time. Except bedtime apparently. Sometimes I can’t lie down because just having my body touch things hurts. Some people ask if it’s muscles or ligaments or bones and right now I hurt so much I couldn’t begin to figure it out. What I can tell you is…

I walk like my 85 year old neighbor who probably thinks I’m making fun of her. :|

I’m not, of course. Funny though….I go over there to help her because she can’t do a lot of things like she used to. I feel like a fraud though because most of the time she’s in better shape than I am. And then I have guilt.

I was doing all right when all I had to worry about was my house and my family. And I totally agreed to take on her house and her family (to a small extent). But there are days I kick butt at her house and come home and nap or just sit around because I can’t do anything else. My house suffers…which means The Man comes home to a dirty house. (I hate that.)

The pain is distracting. I forget things. Like where I put my house keys. Or my reading glasses (those are new too…I’m so old) or I forget to make tea. Worse…there are times I’m staring at something and can’t think how to work it. Like the coffeemaker. Or the toaster. Or I can’t remember what I have to do to brush my teeth and I stand in the bathroom staring into space because it’s right there but I can’t find what I’m trying to remember.

I am a Christmas tree.

During flare-ups I have to think of my body as a Christmas tree. My head is the star on top and my arms, out a small distance from my body, are the “tree”….and during flare ups I can’t lift my arms higher than the “tree”. It hurts. Lifting things hurts. I can’t get things out of cupboards. I can’t pick up the bag of sugar off the counter. God forbid Abby wants me to hold her. I have to tell her I will, but she has to come in the living room where I can sit down first.

I feel like I’m trapped in a 90 year old body. Some mornings I awake to discover that I must have died while I was asleep because rigor mortis has set in and I can’t move or straighten out or bend my appendages. Lately my “Good days” are when OTC pain relievers actually relieve some of the pain.  I have other days where I’m pushing them in my mouth like M&M’s.

So, it’s 2 am and I’m awake. Hoping for relief. And sleep. And the energy and movement that will allow me to take care of my family. There was a time I didn’t think that was too much to ask.