Every once in a while…. On a weekly basis…. Every day…. In every email I receive senders from all parts of the country tell me I’m weird/strange/not right. (Apparently my reputation does not extend beyond the borders of the United States. Yet.) In my defense I offer the heads of my friends and family on platters for your enjoyment.
1. After a business dinner with her bosses in her office as well as the big boss from another city, the whole party exits the restaurant and wanders to their respective vehicles. It is winter. It is icy. It is cold, so Paula is hurrying. She reaches her car, keys in hand and unlocks her car while sighing a small thanks that the lock was not frozen. She is standing on ice. As she lifts the door handle up to get inside her car, the movement causes her feet to slip out from under her and propels her very succinctly beneath her car. She is trapped lying face up, wedged at the waist, feet out of sight under her car. She manages to call out for help before blushing in embarrassment. (Me? Laughing hysterically.)
2. Sitting on her foot at her desk, Paula answers a request by the visiting big boss. She stands to retrieve a form for him, totally unaware that the heel of her shoe has caught in the hem of her elastic waist skirt. As she stands she inadvertently pulls her skirt down. Thankfully, her slip stays in place and once she has arisen she trips over her skirt on her way to the file cabinet. Everyone blushes in embarrassment. (Me? Laughing hysterically.)
3. Watering can in hand, Paula makes her way from office to office watering plants. In one office she is watering cacti. She waters the front row then leans slightly to water the back row. Cactus needle + breast = loud intake of air and high pitched scream. (Me? Laughing hysterically.)
1. [This one is first because it’s a Julie/Paula combo.] My son had a birthday. (Still does, actually. Every year.) I invited Paula because we worked together and my kids loved her. I invited Julie because she was one of my best friends and her kids played with my kids. I was in a new apartment, and although she had directions, Julie was not at all confident she would find us. For that particular birthday I bought my son a trampoline. (Innertube with a mesh thingy over it that you bounce on.) Because I like the kids to open presents instead of having them set up I didn’t blow up the innertube. Once my son had opened it, Paula offered to take it to the gas station to blow it up. I was greeting people, running the party, handing out food…so Paula went. Paula came back with Julie and her children. (They had never met.) Julie explained that she saw Paula walking down the street with an innertube on her head and ASSUMED she was with ME and just followed Paula to my house. [Wait…does this make Julie weird, or me?]
2. Julie once lived in the same apartment building that my mom lived in. So, I was visiting Julie who was baking and said she saw on tv that if you want your pie crust flaky you should poke holes into the pan so the heat gets to the bottom of the crust. So, she was in her kitchen with a regular pie tin trying to smack a nail into it with a shoe or something. Being helpful I run downstairs and ask my mother if she has a hammer.
MOM: Yes, why?
ME: Julie’s making pie. ((0.o))
3. My mother (I’ll get to her) and I are sitting in her car at an intersection. I look out the window and see someone I think I recognize as Julie’s dad. The man walks down the block to the intersection, crosses the street, crosses again to the second corner, then crosses back the way he started only now he’s on the opposite side of the street. He walks away. I tell myself, “Yep. Julie’s dad.”
1. One winter my mother calls me and asks, “Who does snowplowing?” I wonder why she thinks I would know this. We live in a very small area and the only idea I have is for her to call the local radio station (who does commercials for absolutely everyone) and ask if they know.
MOM: I can’t call them now.
ME (confused): Why not?
MOM: Because they’re an AM station.
ME (more confused): So?
MOM: It’s PM and they won’t be there. (Me? Slapping my forehead.)
2. In the days when the VCR was high tech, my mother borrowed my VCR to watch a movie. That she bought. Knowing she had no way to watch it. Uh huh. She calls me at 1am.
ME (asleep): Hello?
MOM: The VCR doesn’t work.
ME (out of it): Okay.
MOM: How do I fix it?
I’m thinking I have no freaking idea since she hasn’t told me what was wrong with it, I can’t see it and I have no idea what’s going on. Then my mean streak kicks in.
“Open the door where the tape goes in and blow it.” (Laughing hysterically on the inside.)
She hangs up and the next day tells me this worked fine. She watched her movie with no further problem. This is funnier when you find out that she had a tv stand that her tv was on, so the VCR was below it and to blow in it she had to lean over with her rear end in the air and her face practically on the floor and BLOW! [Hey – you wake me up you take your chances.]
3. A couple of nights after she gave the VCR a blow job she calls again. This time? 1:20AM. (Some people don’t learn.)
ME (asleep): Hello?
MOM (annoyed): How long IS this movie??
ME (thinking I have no idea what movie it is, how long ago she started watching it or what scene it’s at now): It’s almost over.
MOM: Okay, cause it’s going on forever and I have to go to bed.
ME: I know the feeling. (mentally slapping my forehead and physically unplugging the damn phone)
4. At one point in time I moved into the same apartment building that my mom lived in. It was old. It did have electricity (barely), but the apartment I was moving into had two outlets. Two. I needed more. I mentioned my lack of electricity supplying holes to my mother who shrugged it off and said, “It’ll be okay, just buy some lamps.” The HELL?
ME: And what will I plug them into?
MOM: Oh. (Me? Slapping my forehead.)
5. For the longest time my mother couldn’t locate the post office. Seriously. We’ve lived here since 1974. She claims they keep moving it. Then one day she couldn’t find the library. We realized she had lost locations beginning with P (Post office, Public library). After her mother died she was in tears on the side of the road because she couldn’t find the reception hall (St. Paul’s). She’s also lost Pizza Hut. Anyway, one day she happened to be walking down the street RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE POST OFFICE. Julie drove by, saw my mom, and said she had to fight the urge to yell out the window “There it is! You found it!” I told my mom this later and she said, “Oh. I was there, wasn’t I? I wasn’t going to the post office. I was going to the building across the street. I guess if I want to get to the post office from now on I have to pretend I’m going somewhere else.” (Me? Slapping my forehead.)
There are more, but it’s late here now and I’m tired. In the future when you’re convinced I’ve lost my mind, please remember some of the people who have influenced me (for better or worse) and for god’s sake…I GREW UP WITH THAT WOMAN.
(Slapping my forehead.)