At the risk of sounding like a complete over-indulged whiny-ass Princess I am at the precipice of EMPLOYMENT. I am in the precarious position of needing to be employed by some sort of establishment that pays regularly and even takes taxes out so I don’t have to think about it. I’m upset. Not because this has happened. I knew it would. Freelancing just isn’t paying enough right now.
Physically, there are few things I can do for hours on end. Thank you, Fibromyalgia. Mentally, can I handle a regular day-to-day engagement? I don’t know. Honestly. Without going into my nervous breakdown and hospitalization three years ago, I can probably manage for a while. Right now, that’s all I need.
So…why am I so freaking scared?
I’m afraid of letting people down. I’m afraid of getting back into a place in my head where I’m so overwhelmed I start losing my grip on sanity. Right now, I’m so…worried? that I barely leave the house.
Also? I know everyone else in the world does this without thinking. (That puts more pressure on me.) In my case, I’m already broken and…cautious. I already know how it feels to fail, to face consequences…even if they have nothing to do with me. The awful thing about being in the world is that other people’s decisions affect your life. I am still unwilling to do that. I’ve barracaded myself in my apartment with the man I’ve decided to let into my world, and our baby. Everyone else is potentially hazardous to me.
I’m going to cry. And then…I’ll attempt to handle this. I am a grown up.
I am so freaked out.