The Secret of VIMH

It’s true. I have a VIMH (Voice In My Head). Sometimes it gives advice. Sometimes it sings songs. Usually it finishes people’s sentences with words they hadn’t intended and makes me laugh, and every once in a while it yells at me and tells me how stupid I am. It’s like the best friend I don’t have in real life. I guess…my imaginary friend? (How old am I?) I don’t know, but she’s always been there and even when I want my head to myself I can’t seem to evict her. And, before you ask, yes, sometimes we talk.

Me: I’m worried about that interview. I haven’t heard back from the writer yet.

VIMH: She’ll let you know when it’ll be out. She said she would.

Me: I’ve already told everyone I did it and now they’re waiting to read it. This is NOT good.

VIMH: Why?

Me: It’s a NATIONAL magazine. I’m afraid people will read it and think I’m a loudmouth know-it-all.

VIMH: Why would they think that?

Me: Because that’s what happens when I know something!

(VIMH slaps her forehead)

Me: Only this time it won’t be just the people around me criticizing me, it’ll be THE WHOLE COUNTRY. Oh God! (my hands fly to my mouth) I told them about the time the girls crawled out of their window! I was mortified at the time (they certainly hadn’t seen ME do that) and now everyone will just think I was a bad mommy!

VIMH: Ooh. Yeah. That’s not good.

Me: I thought you were supposed to cheer me up?

VIMH: I guess today is the day I get to stand back and wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

((0.0))

******

Me (Putting new garbage bags in the garbage cans): These are a little big.

VIMH: Why did you get TALL kitchen bags? These cans are not tall.

Me: Well they didn’t have SHORT SQUATTY bags.

******

VIMH: WHAT IS THAT???

Me: Um…three bean salad?

VIMH: OMG! I may never eat again!

Me: I did what it said. Good God, THE SMELL! (covering nose and squinting)

VIMH: Oh! That’s BAD.

Me: I will never make this again. My eyes are watering, my sinuses are burned, I’m coughing and the smell is not going anywhere. Why won’t it go outside? I opened the window!

VIMH: Apparently it’s just blowing the smell through the house instead.

Me: Oh my poor baby! (waving arms, trying to push the smell outside)

VIMH: You’re an idiot.

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7 thoughts on “The Secret of VIMH

  1. Ooooooh I have one tooooo! The VIMH! I thought I was one of the few who had it haha!Hehehe the convo's are pretty cool tho! I usually stare vaguely in the distance when I have my convo's. Oh! I often have to laugh out loud when I am outside walking, minding my own business. I honestly don't know what people think of me. They usually smile….I think they are afraid. But I can not believe that your cooking is that bad! Oh the lunch you had yesterday, did sound really interesting!*waves*

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  2. Oh the 3 bean salad! The smell is finally gone I think! Geez. You're supposed to heat up vinegar and sugar (to later mix with oil and pour over the beans and stuff). OMG! Never ever ever heat up vinegar! BLECH!I hate to waste food…but I really kinda wanna just throw the 3 bean salad out the window. :/Tonight is Spaghetti with monster meat balls. Hopefully I can make THOSE without killing or maiming anybody.

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  3. Most of the time I have conversations when I'm pissed off. VIMH: Don't say anything. Walk away slowly. ME: But he's a total punk. I need to say something. VIMH: Walk away. It works for me!

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  4. lol. At least I'm not crazy. Hmm…well, at least I'm not the only one with a VIMH. Frances, I'm pretty sure we're related anyway.Judie, we don't have one of those here, and after tasting it last night I couldn't inflict the salad on anyone and tossed it right in the trash (after I spit out what I had in my mouth). UGH.Sai, I walk away a lot too. That's on the verge of changing. Some ppl just need the reality check I'm about to slam over their stupid heads. (Not that I'm bitter.)

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