My Mind & other 4 letter words

I’m too depressed to think right now. I hate that this blog has turned into a big whinefest because my life sucks. I hate that people who don’t know me read this and think bad things about me. I hate that people I do know read this and feel sorry for me. I hate that I’m 41 years old and am not where I thought I’d be with my life. I hate that I’m living on the bottom of the barrel. I hate that there doesn’t seem to be a way up. I hate that I feel alone. I hate that I can’t even take care of my kids. I hate that they’re growing up without me, and since they are then it really doesn’t matter if I’m here or not, right?

I hate this. I feel like crap. Instead of crying I’ve turned it all inwards and have massive migraines, a bladder infection and I hate that my life can’t be a little simpler. All I wanted was to have someone to love who loved me back. Can’t be done. I wanted to be a mom. Can’t be done. I wanted to just have a car and a house and a life. Can’t be done.

I don’t know if I’m going to post anymore. At the moment there doesn’t seem to be any point.

Life Is Like Soap

This is my philosophy (kind of) of life.

Laundry detergent.

Hear me out.

When rich people run out of laundry detergent they go buy more. Problem solved.

When poor people run out of laundry detergent they use dish detergent. At some point, if they still can’t afford to go shopping, they run out of dish detergent and have to use shampoo. They use the shampoo to wash clothes, to wash dishes, and, of course, to wash their hair. Eventually, they’re out of everything instead of being out of laundry detergent.

Rich people use money to solve problems and keep moving forward with their lives. Poor people “make due” with what they have on hand because they can’t afford to replace things…and eventually it leads to EVERYTHING being in jeopardy.

Money does buy happiness.

Life is like soap.

What?!

It’s interesting to see how people find my blog. I just read over my stats and someone found me by searching “asxhlevydootecom”. Um…? Yeah. That is SO close. I can understand the confusion. To think I used to be amazed because people found me by searching “haldol and motherhood”.

??!!

Does anyone watch Destination Truth? I started watching because my sister-in-law wouldn’t stop talking about Josh Gates (hi, Josh!) but come on. Any thrill the show would offer is offset by the usually premature “Okay, let’s get out of here.” Watch sometime when you have nothing better to do. As soon as they get close to something, or something interesting happens, they leave! Why fly all over the world with fancy equipment at great expense to somebody (maybe that’s why they skimp on transportation?) for nothing? It’s not so much intriguing as it is frustrating to viewers.

And, to WEtv, all I can say is I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN WATCHING A SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO ‘DOWNSIZE’ DUE TO THEIR OWN ACTIONS. This new series (DOWNSIZED) about a family with 7 kids features parents who tell their teen daughter she can’t go to cheerleading anymore, and a mother who whines “I have a Master’s degree and it’s come to me to clean houses.”

Puh-leez. The dad said “We got ourselves into this, we’ll get ourselves out.” We’re living with family (not in our own house), not because of our own actions, and I would be thankful for any job I could get, not whine about it. I can’t even FIND a job. And unlike that whiny mommy, I’m facing jail time for not being able to pay child support to my ex. Not because I’m a deadbeat and having so much fun over here and drinking my paycheck away….because I AM POOR AND HAVE NO MONEY.

How about a show featuring people who know how to count their blessings and inspire others? In this economy there are plenty of people who are “downsizing”…we could use a little encouragement…not people who are (STILL) better off than we are whining because they’re too good for their circumstances. Entitlement anyone? That’s probably the reason they got over their heads in the first place.

What Day Is It Again?

My schedule is so messed up. Because of being sick and being in a new place I’m not even on a “regular” schedule. It’s different every day. Today I woke up at 1:30am. A couple days ago it was 4:30. Before that I was up all night and would go to bed about 6. Matt was working on the newsletter today and I thought “Boy he’s early. It’s only what–Thursday? Or is it Friday morning?” Um…yeah. Today is Sunday. He’s on time.

Yesterday we went for a walk. We saw horses (Abby was entranced) and dogs. Lots of dogs. Abby likes to hang over the side of the stroller (kinda) and yell “oof oof” when she sees a dog. I have no idea where we walked to. I only know it took a long time. (I was sick.) We ended up in another county. I freaked a little. Apparently we live on the border so it wasn’t a big deal (what do I know?).

The weather has changed too. The sun is out, but it doesn’t get deathly hot like it used to…and when a breeze blows it feels like a breeze, not like you stepped into a blast furnace. It feels like home. It feels like summer in Pennsylvania. I’m a happier camper.

But that’s not as funny as me having heatstroke, is it? 🙂

HAPPY AUTUMN!!!

One Time Only

All right, this is the only time I’m going to mention it. There is now a Paypal donation button in the righthand column. Do not feel obligated to donate money. I will not beg for money, I will only state that there is a great need. In the future we will be “paying it forward” as we remember the struggles we are currently experiencing. After our lives get less drastic I will remove it. And, should we happen to get more than we need I’ll be giving it to charity.

For those of you who may choose to donate I am humbly accepting and thanking you from the bottom of my heart. I’ve done everything “conventional” I can think of to raise money for my family (and still am) and this is where circumstances have brought me now.

For those of you who are judging me, please don’t. I know how to run a household, hold down a job, and do all the same things you do. Unfortunately, I do not control the rest of the world. I am here and I am dealing the best that I can. I hope you and your family never has to endure even a part of what we’ve been through.

God Bless.

Tales from the Crib – The Abby Gales

I finally broke down and learned English because these boobs were just not getting what I was saying. GEEZ. It’s been over a year. You’d think something would have poked its way through their brain fog. The little squishy one taught me hand signals that she and I use to communicate, but the big bald one just stares at me when I try them with him. Apparently the little one is the brains of the operation.

So, this week I yelled, “COOL!” and “MOMMA!” and they added that to my “daw” and accompanying “woo! woo! woo!”. The little squishy one got all smiley when she realized I meant “dog” “woof woof woof”. (She can be taught!)

They also seem to like it when I put my hands over my eyes and then pop out from behind them. If I do it, they’ll do it too. When I bark, they will too. When I say something, they say it back. Basically, they’re big fat parrots.

*heavy sigh*

So, outside. The first place we were we went outside a lot. The little squishy one took me for walks. The big bald one took me for walks. We were always freaking WALKING. Then, we got on those wheeled cans that make lots of noise and feel like they’re pushing down on your head until you can’t take anymore and go to sleep. AIRPLANES.

Anyway, we got here. Wherever here is. Here was really HOT. We tried going outside but it was too hot, we got all sweaty. Me sweating was one thing. Those two? Forget it. The heat also changes that green crap. GRASS.

*shudder*

Before it was cool and tickly and I didn’t like walking on it. Here it’s sharp and pointy and I don’t like walking on it. Now they call me “Princess” because I walk up to the edge of the grass and then hold my arms up until one of them stops laughing and picks me up like they’re supposed to.

Can I trade these morons in and get a pet? Like a giraffe?

The C Word

In honor of BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH I’m once again reposting something from the vault. Enjoy. (It’s having spacing issues.)

The C Word (originally published September 18, 2007)

I feel ill
but I am sure it is nothing
I just cannot seem to eat
and run to the bathroom
I have some pain in my tummy
but I am sure it’s a cold
or maybe the flu
Do not worry about me
It will go away

It has not gone away

I must have a bug

give me a week or two

and I’ll be as good as new

You will see

it is nothing I am sure

Do not worry about me

It will go away

Yes, I am tired
No, I have not called my doctor
Ok if you say so
but I am sure I am fine
I will make an appointment
and get some antibiotics
I am sure it is nothing
Do not worry about me
It will go away

The doctor did tests
I am still waiting to hear

but no news is good news
I am sure it is nothing
Do not worry about me
It
It
It is what?
I have what?
Oh God, I have cancer
I did not think
it was that big of a deal
there are few warning signs
and now it has spread
They say I need surgery
I am sure I will be fine
You want to come with me?
I appreciate that
Do not worry about me
They will make it go away

Surgery went well
They did what they could
Just to be safe though
To chemo I go
Six rounds of drugs
that make me feel worse
I am losing my hair
I have lost so much weight
I am so tired
My stomach muscles hurt
from throwing up
There are days I do not want to move
I want to stay in bed
Please be my friend
And make me get up
Lend me your strength
to fight while I can
Before it’s too late
Do not worry about me
It will go away

My hair is growing back
The cancer has gone
I am beginning to eat
I can sleep at night now
My fear is still with me
for cancer can return
I am happy to be here
but I am not sure I could fight again
even though you were with me
my dearest dearest friend.
Do not worry about me
Let God take me away