I Live In The South Where…

I live in the South where…

 

Why would you pay someone to fix/install/move/change it correctly when you know a guy who can do a half-assed (or totally incorrect) job for free!

 

You can adopt a stretch of highway, but there seems to be no enforcement of actually cleaning the roads. It’s more for cheap advertising because people see your business/group name on the sign. :/

 

In Alabama there are no such things as sidewalks. I’m guessing this is Phenix City only because…well, this is Phenix City.

 

It must be a law to have 85% of your signage misspelled.

 

If you don’t know the reason for something, make it up. If you want to appear truthful about it, add “I dunno” at the end. (ex. “Dad, why are they called “French fries?” “They must be French. I dunno.”)

 

It’s perfectly acceptable to bring your 2 year-old to a fast food place and stick her in the play area while you sit at a table across the restaurant and stuff your face while talking to friends, as long as you wave to the child (whose nose is against the glass looking for you because she’s too scared to play) every once in a while.

 

If you have nice stuff you somehow lose it on your way home where Matt finds it while he’s walking. So far, Matt’s found Georgia team sweatpants ($$), a Georgia knit hat ($), yoga pants ($$), a St. John’s Bay long-sleeved polo shirt ($$), a couple of lighters and some loose change. All I’ve found is a dead squirrel and a melted (open) candy bar I couldn’t even eat. (Matt wouldn’t let me.)

 

If you’re low-income have all your belongings in your front yard where passersby can see that you must be doing all right because “look at all that stuff!”

 

If your driveway isn’t paved it’s perfectly acceptable to put down some indoor carpeting. (Thank you, previous tenants. Ugh. It was one of the first things we disposed of when we moved in.)

 

If you’re concerned about snakes coming into your yard, feel free to get into the neighbor’s yard and clear the brush around your fence. And then burn it, disregarding the burn ban that’s in place because of the dry weather.

 

Instead of paying someone to remove that old trailer you have on your property, by all means, invite your brother over to help you “knock it down” with sledgehammers. Then, instead of hauling it away, just burn it and set the field around it on fire.

 

If you don’t know what to do with it, throw it in the tree in your yard. (I was pretty confused by the extension cord in my tree until I saw the next-door neighbors have a mop in theirs. Now I’m happy it’s an extension cord and not a mop.)

 

I have to remember to say “pe-KAHN” or the natives break out in hysterical laughter at the thought of eating a “PEE-can.”

 

It’s also bad form to say “pop” instead of “Coke.” (Doesn’t matter what it is, if it’s a soda, it’s “Coke.”)

 

“Mightadid” and “usedtacould” are used frequently.

 

If you own a trailer you either add an attached closed-in porch or just a whole other trailer or build them together to make a “house.”

 

If you do home improvements outside it’s “okay” to use indoor materials so that in a year the indoor paneling you used for siding is peeling upwards like paper.

 

People are compelled to bring home other people’s garbage and leave it in their yards.

 

The garbage men go through your trash before they chuck it in the truck. (We watched them this morning.)

 

The Goodwill employees take what they want from your donation so the poor people you think you’re donating it for never actually see it.

 

If you don’t have a garage it’s perfectly all right to park your various vehicles all over your yard so that you have to drive through my yard to get to the street. (ARGH)

 

It’s common practice to not train your dog and let it run loose to let it attack people/kill babies. (Monthly news story here.)

 

It’s also common to not pay any attention to your children (or teach them manners), hand them guns to keep them busy and push them outside where they take aim and shoot at cars/people/neighbors/neighbor’s dogs (who are in their yard like they’re supposed to be). (And when you call the police about these idiots they don’t respond, because hey, this is Alabama.)

 

It’s not unheard of if you can’t afford to take care of your pet anymore, remove its collar and let it loose and hope one of your neighbors will feed it.

 

They teach you in school that if a cat walks over a bridge the bridge will collapse (something about the claws resonating…seriously).

 

They also teach that if you stretched out your intestines they would wrap around the earth. (At about 28 feet — not even close.)

 

And, a former science teacher here once taught (and would argue with you) that gasoline isn’t flammable the vapors are. (Gasoline is flammable, but so are the vapors. Not JUST the vapors.)

 

Some people here believe that if you brush your teeth you brush off the enamel so they refuse.

 

I know people here who leave the lights on all the time because letting them cool off (turning them off) and then heating them up again (turning them back on later) will make the light bulbs explode. (Seriously?) Yes, they complain about their electric bill. They have no idea how to get it lower. *slaps forehead*

 

You know how people joke that their parents moved to Florida because it’s the law? (Seems most old people end up in Florida.) It’s like if you’re mentally/socially/emotionally retarded you have to move to Alabama. THIS is where they all end up….and end up in management positions and refuse to hire normal people because we “talk funny” (use words we know the meanings of) and dress like people are supposed to – we don’t leave the house for work/church/school wearing ripped/stained/outgrown jeans/pants/suits and we know how to wear a necktie…and it isn’t tied in a bow! Or, women, we leave the house looking nice in a blouse and pants or skirt or something equally appropriate and not in layered tank tops with our bra straps and breasts hanging out. AND we actually WEAR SHOES. Here, apparently, it’s apropos to run to the store barefoot for some reason).

 

(And some nice ones…)

 

When you and your baby are desperately trying to cross a four lane highway on foot a passing policeman will turn his lights on, stop traffic and let you cross safely. (Thank you, passing policeman.)

 

When you’re homeless and crying at the gas station customers and employees will do their darndest to make sure you have somewhere to sleep and money in your pockets.

 

Maybe Alabama isn’t all bad.

 

Just mostly.

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2 thoughts on “I Live In The South Where…

  1. OMG new BBF! (best blog friend)

    So, they DON’T say PEE-can there? People laugh at me for saying pe-KAHN.

    I also just can’t say y’all. I get made fun of for it. *sigh*

    Like

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