I had a few ideas of what to write about and just now got some time to sit down and write, however….
Well, let me back up a bit. As a woman and mom there are times I wonder what kind of person I am. Am I nice enough? Compassionate? A good role model for my children? An inspiration to my Significant Other and others around me? What would I do in a physical crisis? Would I respond appropriately in an emotional crisis?
There are days, as I’m sure you know, that I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and depressed enough to think I’m not doing anyone any good, and it feels like someone is always taking care of me, trying to lift me up, and support and encourage me. I feel small, useless and pretty worthless.
There are times I can see me in my daughter’s behavior. Times when her father or I will do something (whether it’s something we’ve been struggling with, worried about or haven’t given a thought to at all) and this cute little angel will clap her hands and exclaim, “You did it, Mommy! I’m so PROUD of you! I knew you could do it!” I realize I have been supportive and encouraging for her.
There are times I’m tired or worn out and I get quiet and my guy will just tell me how much I mean to him, how he appreciates everything I do (even the little things) and will tell me he’s thankful for me, I’m his best friend and I’ve inspired him to become a better person. Apparently I’m supporting and loving him pretty well.
Back to my blogging ideas for today. I had a few. Earlier today I found out that one of my best friends (1500 miles away) has suffered two mini-strokes in the past few days. She has weakness on one side, has difficulty speaking and finding words and has Fibromyalgia and because of the strokes has not been able to exercise so she’s also in a great deal of pain.
My reaction? I calmly asked her how she really was and how she was sure about the strokes and what she was doing….and burst into tears. Tears because she’s vital. She’s vivacious. She’s not a sit-around-the-house kind of lady. She puts Martha Stewart to shame, and over the past year has put her heart into exercising and dropping unnecessary weight. (I’m blanking on numbers right now, but I’m thinking around 70 pounds. Could be a hundred. When I blank, I blank.) She does things for her church, for the people in her church, her neighbors, her neighbors kids and…the woman is always up to something.
I cried because right now I know she’s fighting with herself to NOT take on anything outside of home. NOT to say “yes” to the next person who calls, NOT to physically exert herself and to quietly sit and rest so she can heal. I KNOW she’s dying to vacuum her entire house, make a handful of meals, bake treats, shovel her sidewalk and driveway….I know.
I cried to because I can’t be of any use at all to her from here. Other than telling her to “PUT THAT DOWN” and letting her know how much I love her. I cried because in that one tiny moment I realized how much a part of me she truly is.
So…you know who you are. If you read this, I love you. If you read this I WISH I WAS THERE. You are awesome, amazing, wonderful, creative, inspirational, and so so so loved. I pray my children will have a friend like you when they’re older. You’re hilarious, nonjudgmental and very good at loving unconditionally. I wish this was something I could throw money at. If I had money. Because I would.
Mostly, I think I just want you to know how badly I wish I could just hug you.