The First Cut Is the Deepest

 

(That was Sheryl Crow, ya’ll)

 

To cut or not to cut? This is the question. Abigail is adorable and I love her and I’m very happy her hair is long enough for the pigtails she won’t wear. I’ve trimmed her bangs twice so she can see, but her style needs severe help. It’s long in the back, but about ear length (and usually swept toward her face) at the sides. It’s very Carol Brady.

 

 

See? Cute, but…RETRO. So as her mommy I am wondering…do I cut the back and blend it with the sides? (Too pageboy? Too Willy Wonka? Too *gasp* BOY??) Or do I just hold off and watch it grow and wait to see if the sides eventually blend in with the back? (I’m hoping for a girly layered look softly framing her face.)

 

If it was my hair I’d cut it figuring that it would grow out if I don’t like it. Somehow I can’t do that to my baby.

 

Signed,

Snippy Snipperton  (playing with scissors)

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Frustration

 

I made the decision to potty train Abigail. I made this decision because when her diaper is wet or poopy she’ll tell me. Sometimes she’ll take it off and bring it to me. I said, “If you’re old enough to change yourself, you’re old enough to go potty.”

 

So, I bought Dora the Explorer underwear. For her. (I know at least one of you was wondering.) I decided that it would be best to face the potty training demons head on and shun diapers and pull ups.

 

Today she’s been wearing underwear. I decided to take her potty every 30 minutes thinking that eventually we’ll catch her at a time when she needs to go potty. To do this I prefer to use a kitchen timer or the timer on the microwave. This time around I don’t have either of those things and am left to use the alarm clock.

 

My fear is that she’ll learn to pee on cue every time an alarm clock rings. When she’s older she’ll pee every time a school bell rings to change classes, or maybe it’ll transfer to every bell sound: church bells Sunday mornings, the arrival of an elevator and every time the telephone rings. I’m afraid by potty training her I’m setting her up for a future filled with Depends and psychotherapy and a lifetime of solitude. Her future groom will change his mind as she wets herself in the vestibule as the church bells ring if not before then.

 

But you have to do what you can. All I have is the alarm clock since my mind won’t realize it’s been 30 minutes. So far she’s managed to pee on the floor before each 30 minute alarm ring. Ten minutes ago she looked like she was going to pee so I rushed her into the bathroom where she yelled, “NO NO NO NO NO”. I thought, “well, let’s not damage her psyche” and I let her return to the living room to play. Then I made her mad when I wouldn’t let her play on the computer, her little body tensed as she cried and yes, she peed on the floor.

 

She’s wearing a diaper now.

 

And I’m pretty sure I have MORE gray hairs.

 

Maybe I don’t have to potty train her. She’ll learn on her own eventually, right? I mean, no one’s wearing diapers at high school graduation. Maybe I can wait her out.

 

*sighing heavily*

 

On the bright side, my living room carpet is clean. Very, very clean.

 

 

 

Potty Training in 13 Easy Steps

 

 

Step 1: Remind baby that if she has to pee or poop to tell me so we can go potty.

 

Step 2: (a little while later): Take used diaper baby is holding out while saying “Uck!”

 

Step 3: Take baby to the bathroom and discover she apparently tried to go to the potty herself and that’s why she took off her diaper.

 

Step 4: Scrub carpet in bathroom while baby sits on potty.

 

Step 5: With baby on potty and the door open run across the hall to the laundry room to put cleaning supplies away. Get distracted by mess and clean that up.

 

[Edit: Technically it wasn’t a MESS. It was clothes in the dryer that were getting wrinkled because I forgot about them.]

 

Step 6: Upon returning to the bathroom take the handfuls of toilet paper away from baby and stuff on shelf of spacesaver for future use while muttering under my breath.

 

Step 7: Dig out the other half of the roll of toilet paper from the toilet with my bare hands and run to kitchen garbage while muttering not quite so under my breath. Wash hands in kitchen sink.

 

Step 8: Return to bathroom praying baby didn’t take the toilet paper stuffed on shelf and put THAT in the toilet.

 

Step 9: Send up quick thanks to Hahgwehdiyu because there’s no new mess in the bathroom.

 

[Edit: Hahgwehdiyu is the Iroquois creator god. I’m half-Onondaga. If you want to know more, Google him. This is now an educational blog. You’re welcome.]

 

Step 10: Walk baby to her bedroom and dress her. Chase her around the room.

 

Step 11: Discover (the hard way) that baby peed on her socks when she peed on the bathroom floor. Remove socks.

 

Step 12: Wash hands in kitchen sink.

 

Step 13: Repeat Steps 1-13, sigh heavily.


Camp Flush-A-Lot

 

I’ve decided someone should really, really, REALLY start a potty training camp for toddlers. There are so many ways that people try to potty train their children it’s ridiculous and no one method works for all children. (Because children are individuals.) So to find something that works for my particular child I must spend weeks trying each method, doing laundry and running to the potty every half hour (lor less when she starts going and we’re not in there). And if none of that works? Then I have to start all over again because the first time around she may not have been ready yet. It can take months. Or (God forbid) YEARS.

 

With that in mind, I would pay very good, very large sums of money to send her to potty camp for a week where she would be assigned two personal potty consultants who would be with her around the clock (in 12 hour shifts), take her potty every 30 minutes, watch her drink intake, be happy and encouraging and unfailingly supportive (I’m paying them, so they should be loving and happy 24/7). She’ll attend group potty rallys to boost her morale, enjoy praise and prizes for her hits, and love and one-on-one pep talks for her misses.

 

In between potty runs (ew…no pun intended. At all. Ick.) she’ll participate in crafts like making headdresses out of potty paper and various “what can we make from cardboard potty paper tubes” projects. She’ll enjoy activities including the Toilet Paper Roll Along (first baby to unroll a roll of potty paper wins), sing-a-longs (“It’s My Potty and I’ll Cry If I Want To”, “Potty In the USA”,  and “Where the Potty”) and DVD’s (“Once Upon A Potty”, “Let’s Go Potty” and “Elmo’s Potty Time”).

 

At the end of the week she’ll be returned home happy, smiling, proud, accomplished and sporting brand new teeny tiny Dora the Explorer panties.

 

Now, who wants to set up the first ever Potty Camp?

 

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaack

Again.

 

Okay, I am for real, for sure back this time. We finally have a working computer (damn cables) and internet at home like the rest of America. We are leaping into the 90’s. WOOT.

 

We are in our own home, not living with strangers, not having to fight off dumpster rats for food (well, okay, it never got THAT bad) and slowly filling our house with things most people have and take for granted. Like a washer and dryer (YAY!)…and internet.

 

We’re doing well. I’ve missed talking to my friends online. Well, AT ALL. With no internet and no phone and no money for stamps (yes I know how that sounds) I’ve been living in a box. I feel like I can breathe now.

 

Abigail will turn two years old next month. Time flies when you’re poor. (Mostly because we’ve been busy working clawing our way out of the hole in which we’d found ourselves.)

 

[Note to homeless shelters: Not all homeless people have drug or alcohol addictions, no working knowledge of the internet or how to find a job (Matt was actually employed when we went to the shelter, and the last time we were homeless – 2008 – we were both employed and still had no money for food or bus fare). Not all homeless people are in need of constant supervision, anger management classes and hourly worship services.]

 

Anyway, I’ll be back to posting regularly, so feel free to come back and read! 🙂

 

Elisa